Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait