Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.