Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
hey, alexa
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
it’s the silliest best thing
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos