Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
i wonder why they stopped looking
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.