Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Netflix and you sit over there.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
This one’s “Alex”.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.