Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.