Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.