Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

My Guy

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

🖕🏻👽

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!