Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

birds and squirrels envy us

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

tag yourself

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

A fake ID that makes you younger

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.