[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
That time Alicia messaged me
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!