Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy