Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
edward fingerhands
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”