Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

concern

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead