Ken is short for chicken
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
So Hamburger help me, God
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Blew my mind.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.