Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Ken is short for chicken
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octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]
me: [nodding] helicoptopus
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
*sings Hakuna Matata during your meltdown*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: you like that? *takes out trash*
Me *starts vacuuming the living room*
Wife: oh my god, don’t stop
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.