Ken is short for chicken
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
selfie game
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…