Ken is short for chicken

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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.


octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]

me: [nodding] helicoptopus


Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.


McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.


[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt


“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”


Me: you like that? *takes out trash*

Wife: ooooh

Me *starts vacuuming the living room*

Wife: oh my god, don’t stop


If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.