Ken is short for chicken
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[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Rambo Rambow
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
when nothing goes right… go left
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂