Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

decorating my apartment

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.