Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Girl, same.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Damn he played himself

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal