Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

this is me

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

sin harder.

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.