Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Spoiler Alert: I was late

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

Grandmother clock.