Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.