Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.