Kentucky names the shit out of places
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
they really wanted me dead for this
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“How’s your day going?”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.