Kentucky names the shit out of places
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There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
