Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
My humor is broken
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I laughed at this way too hard.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
welcome back
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.