Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Feel. He’s so soft.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.