Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.