Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Saw this yesterday lol

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”