kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
You Might Also Like
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute