kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
life finds a way
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.