kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
You Might Also Like
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please