kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
You Might Also Like
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
thank god the sign was there
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!