Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
A Short Story.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Wait a second…
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense