Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK