ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I wanna be friends with this person
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.