ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
going to bed
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?