ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
