Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
You Might Also Like
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
He just like my cat fr
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.