Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

“FOUND ‘EM!”

それは草

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*