Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
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The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel