Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Mummies are just super modest zombies
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems