Kevin Hart 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
This is top tier marketing 馃槀馃ぃ
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Date: I鈥檓 really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they鈥檝e sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
cop: are you sure your identity鈥檚 been stolen
: very
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Pickled cat.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalape帽o business.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Cramming a band鈥檚 entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.