Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.