Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Canadian owl: Eh?

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.