Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”