Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?