Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
You Might Also Like
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we鈥檙e feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
馃摳: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
REMINDER: It鈥檚 almost March.
Don鈥檛 forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he鈥檚 got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I didn鈥檛 really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“I took care of your clown problem.”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I know this now 馃槀
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I鈥檓 taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
bananaphobia: when you don鈥檛 have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she鈥檚 still alive?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they鈥檙e too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.