Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window