Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.