kevin is now a local weatherman
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Body by cheese-puffs.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
How actors in movies eat their food
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.