Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.