Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.