Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Best spot.. 😅
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Sex so good you see dead people.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
pls suprot
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Breaking news:
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
(after sex)
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