Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
The internet is magic sometimes.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
there’s probably a fee though
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.