Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Yes
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Stop sending me this shit.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: