Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account