Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
(yawn)
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*