Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1856054002326351876/pu/vid/avc1/720x1280/_qYF4-T6iw5XaRSN.mp4?tag=12

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Me, in DM rooms…

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1848773899426652160/pu/vid/avc1/406x720/csklU1FPOoc1dAEW.mp4?tag=12

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.