Kevins first time outside đ he was absolutely bewildered
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sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isnât until Thursday.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: thatâs weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
at my childâs request Iâve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Him: Iâm a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
ME: Iâm off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
*first day as a hair stylist
âSTOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THATâS WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!â
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Iâve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But itâs cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagleâs broken wing.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I donât think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
When the grid crashes and thereâs no other way of communicating, weâll see whose drum circle is âstupidâ.
đđ
Donât explain my jokes to me. I donât want to know what I mean.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
canât stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me sheâd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My husband hasnât forgiven me for answering âOkie dokie artichokieâ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, âI do.â
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: âNeed a tissue, Bud?â
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* âWhy?â
yeah Iâm a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I donât see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
My ex used to sing âBrown Eyed Girlâ to meâŚ.
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
On my 5 year oldâs report card it said, âHe is encouraged to ask more questionsâ.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: âŚok wow i put my heart on the line and youâre telling me your favorite band