Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude