Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.