Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something