Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
seems like a niche market
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Best mom ever 😂
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Story of my life…..
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.