Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
You Might Also Like
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am