Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.