Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.