KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
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Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
We have a winner.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
one last job
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children