Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.