Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”