Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

LOOOOOOL

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Aight bet

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.