KFC hitting the cannibal market
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
oppen heimer style lol
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.