KFC hitting the cannibal market
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I’m giving up for Lent.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Camel dough
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Body by Oreos
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.