Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

welp

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that